Divorce and Remarriage

 Hello and welcome to my final blog post! This semester has flown by and it makes me sad that this class is ending. I have learned so much and gained so many insights as well as hope and excitement for my future family and marriage. The last and final topic this week is about divorce and remarriage. This is a topic that hits home for me because it is something my family has experienced the past 8 years. And while it has been some of the most difficult 8 years, there have been so many blessings and tender mercies from the Lord. I hope that there are some points that resonate with you as they have with me and that you learn something from this post. 

Why do people get divorced? There are many varying answers to this question but I learned that ultimately it comes down to people having a lack of hope for the marriage working out. When people choose to get a divorce it is a divorce of many things. Legally it is often done through a court, emotionally people end the relationship, socially there is a loss of friendships, and parents have split custody of children. We see that in almost all situations legal and physical custody of children goes to the mother. That was the case for my parents' divorce and many others that I know. 

Divorces are never easy. There is a term that some people use called a "healthy divorce" but it is kind of an oxymoron. In movies a lot of people portray the divorced parents as good friends. I know that growing up I wished that was how my parents were. From my own experience, my parents had a very difficult divorce and it is one that has gotten a little better over time, but not without its own set of challenges and difficulties. It has actually been found that divorced couples who stay friends had a bigger affect on children or young adults.

Children of divorce experience a lot of heartache and deal with their own set of challenges. We see that most children will feel much less confident in their ability to get married and will more likely be involved in a hook up culture. I have found the first part of this to be true. I have developed a sense of insecurity about my ability to get married and I have a fear that once I am married that arguments and disagreements will lead to divorce and that is not something I could ever put myself through again and not anything I would ever want to put my future children through. While I have been working to deconstruct that mindset, I want to share the positive ways it can help my future family. I have been able to witness 3 marriages first hand now, my mom and dad's, my mom and stepdad's, and my dad and stepmom's. I have been able to see what I do and don't want in my future marriage. I have been able to see what does and does not work in marriages and how to better communicate. 

Blended families face a lot of difficulty. An analogy that was made this week is one I felt captured the idea well and it was about fresh orange juice vs frozen. Frozen orange juice has the water removed and is added back in after to make the orange juice. The same goes with divorce and blended families. On one half of the family, there is a mother removed from the household and when the father remarries, a stepmother is added back in to the family and the same goes for the other side. While they both yield a result, things are not the same and are quite different. 

Step-parenting and having boundaries is difficult. It is important to accept and understand that it will take 2+ years to gain a sense of normalcy within a blended family. Birth parents should do all the heavy discipline because they are seen as more of the authority figure with their child. Step-parents and the parent should spend their time discussing behind closed doors. They should always advocate for what's good for the kids, not necessarily what the kids want. 

A lot of this was a hard pill for me to swallow and was never something I asked for, nor wanted. I grew up with four brothers and always wanted a sister, I just never imagined it would be four stepsisters. Divorce is not easy for anyone and I have experienced a lot of heartache, pain, and fear for my future family because of it. But I know that I have it within in me to determine my future. My marriage is not predetermined to fail. Great marriages are not natural, they are supernatural. I plan to take all that I have learned and work especially hard to prepare myself for a future marriage and family and I know that Heavenly Father will help me to do that. Some of these families have the hardest circumstances, but can yield beautiful results. I plan to do just that. I hope that you find ways to improve your family relations now. Family is so important and I am grateful for mine and optimistic about my future one. Thanks for tuning in! 

-Olivia