Dating & Selecting a Partner

This week is about dating! This is a topic I have been very passionate about because there has been such a huge shift in the way dating used to be and how people used to actual go on dates. I have had a lot of conversations with parents, church leaders, and friends about the dating culture in our time. It seems like there is not any importance of dating and it is now replaced with just "hanging out." I want you to think, when was the last time you went on a date or asked someone on a date? I won't give my specific answer, but for me, it's been a while! 

If you take a look at young adults and college campuses, you will find that the amount of dating that goes on has diminished significantly over the years. Girls are not being asked on dates and people spend most time now hanging out in group settings and considering that to be "dating." But in actuality, that is not dating. According to President Dallin H. Oaks, a date includes 3 p's: planned ahead, paid for, and paired off. This comes from a talk he gave: Dating versus Hanging Out (churchofjesuschrist.org). In his talk he speaks a lot about the dating culture that has developed and the changes that young adults should make. Dating is such an important time because it is a period of time where you can get experience being with the opposite sex and developing good social skills, manners, and it prepares you for marriage and helps you in selecting a partner that you will spend eternity with. President Oaks encourages young adults to stop "hanging out" and go on dates instead. "Hanging out" is an excuse, noncommittal, and a cover because people are afraid of rejection. I like how in his talk, President Oaks says that dates can be very simple and inexpensive. I think that people try to make dates into a really big thing that costs money or needs to be fancy, but in my experience, the best and the most fun date I had was inexpensive and simple, playing board games, but it was a lot of fun. 

In a book called "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk," John Van Epp describes something he calls the "know-quo." This consists of three T's: togetherness + talk + time. Togetherness includes shared activities, talk includes talking about thoughts, feelings, and interests etc. When he talks about time, he suggests that it takes 3 months to even start to really get to know someone. When people find themselves dating a person more exclusively, it is important to spend time together in different settings to see all sides of that person, but it is also very important to spend time apart from each other to avoid developing unhealthy attachments with one another.

 

Van Epp also talks about something called the RAM: relationship attachment model. This model shows us the order and the importance of attachments that are made in relationships. These marks show that we cannot trust someone more than we know them. Knowing them comes first and is most important. It works the same all the way down. We cannot rely on someone unless we trust them and know them. We cannot commit to someone unless we can rely, trust, and know them. Then comes touch. This one is the lowest because when people introduce touch early on in a relationship, it can create a feeling that is not there and an unhealthy attachment before people even truly get to know each other. Females produce a hormone called oxytocin which is the attachment hormone so when physical touch is introduced earlier on, she may feel a stronger and a false sense of attachment where the male may not. It is important to set boundaries and follow this model. It will make for healthier and more meaningful relationships and help people avoid unhealthy attachments.

Relationships are so important in our lives and as we date it is important to be doing it in a healthy way and doing so with the right intentions of getting to know someone better, getting to do activities with others, and developing interactive skills, and possibly finding someone for marriage. Be intentional in developing relationships and it will be such a blessing if you heed this counsel. I know that we will find a greater appreciation for those we choose to spend our time with, and we will be able to build stronger and lasting relationships by following these counsels.